"atoms moving in the void"

Move is one of those words that really only work, in my opinion, on our scale of sight and not on the atomic level. Also, it, as a word, has been dulled by centuries of use. Course, we have developed a minor immunity to such words, but I think this fact magnifies (har) the fact that the word choice here needs to be different.

"and you move in empty space"

This could be of an intriguing contrast to the first line, but it goes from "void" to "empty space". Empty space is a good term, but if you're going to have it compare with void, it's not going to win, even in a thumb war.

"trapped in the cloven pine"

This line is very well done and I would love to steal it, but the previous line doesn't set it up very well and it's impact is diminished. Also, I can't seem to make the logical jump between this line and the next.

"i shifted by degrees
my back burning and my eyes aflame
if i burned hot enough
i could snuff you out
living by my Logos"

Hey... I used logos recently. Hmmm...

The lack of puncuation makes logical flow a little odd, as I'm slightly confused by the jump of the 2nd last line to the last. Also, the repetition of "burn" in this stanza doesn't seem to work. Try "my back infused, my eyes ablaze" instead.

I could do more (If you want), but I should leave some room for other people to critique...

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"...the highest forms of art are those which impose a kind of harmony and order upon the greatest possibile number of factors." - Aldous Huxley

Excellent critique as is. I posted this without doing any edit after finishing (admittedly, a foolish move, but I wanted to get objective criticism, and this work was hard for me to objectify). And, I'm an asshat for not offering enough commentary on your own work, but I'll try to fix that. Thanks for coming by, I'll post the next edit I do of this piece.

Come to think of it, I stole a lot of the poem/freewrite piece from my coursework last semester - Democritus is responsible for "atoms moving in the void", I tell you That and the cloven pine - Tempest reference. It just stood out to me that those were lines you picked out among the others.

Oh, don't worry. I'm not evil. Yet. I think. And your welcome.

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"...the highest forms of art are those which impose a kind of harmony and order upon the greatest possibile number of factors." - Aldous Huxley